Today (16th June) is a bit of a strange anniversary…Two years ago, give or take a few hours, I managed to snap my thigh ligament while replacing the headlights of Mrs. Chips’ car. Two operations, too much money and a fair amount of pain later, I have about 90% of the use of my leg back – for which I am inestimably grateful…..
Today I manfully resisted working on any vehicles and look – no injuries.
Moreover, in the interests of general health and safety, I feel it only right to adopt this strategy every time a notion forms to do any work around the house. Mrs. Chips, however, seems willing to risk the other leg.
But the story doesn’t end here folks. One of my so called friends commented thus, “I’m still unsure as to how you managed to snap a ligament replacing a headlight. One could understand it whilst heroically lifting a GM TorqueFlite automatic gearbox or samsoning a cast-iron engine block around the place. Car headlight, dare I say seems a bit – girly.”
Apart from the fact that he’s now off my Christmas card list, the chap’s embarrassingly correct. In the light of this, I am now forced to reveal the truth. Naturally, to save face, Chuck Norris will deny this ever occurred, but this is what ACTUALLY happened….
I got this phone call from Chuck who asked if I’d help him rescue a Dachshund from a burning building. Got there quickasIcould only to see Norris wasting time, grappling with a pair of headlights, apparently belonging to one of the female starlets (her car, I mean)…. I Slapped him firmly about the chops and told him, “Snap out of it man! Go and get the Dachshund from that towering inferno.”
He sank to his knees, actually knelt in front of me – a cringing, snivelling wreck, begging me to go in his place. Without hesitating, I rushed in (ignoring the sign that said, “Angels fear to tread here”). Was momentarily delayed by another notice, this time on the elevator door (“This Otis regrets it’s unable to lift today”); raced up the 39 steps, grabbed the dog and leapt out of the window to the pavement below – just as the building collapsed in on itself.
Unfortunately I landed on a discarded MacDonald’s Happy Meal and snapped the ligament (thus burgering up my knee)….The wee dog rushed off into the arms of its tearful owner (a little old lady – I had to fit her in somewhere – it’s in her contract). A while later, I had to prize Norris away from the starlet’s headlights (the booby prize being the most appropriate tool under the circumstances) and we agreed to let him take the credit for the rescue while I’d be injured fixing the bally car.
He apologised for his cowardly behaviour, of course. Turns out he’s allergic to footlong hot dogs?
[Camera pans back to Dallas skyline – fade to scrolling titles and Chuck’s theme tune….]
“When you’re in Texas look behind you,
‘Cause *that’s* where the Reindeer’s gonna be.”
I think I’ll go with this version in future