For busy South African execs. Stock Market Report

I know you all care, so I thought I’d let you know… my Stock Market software crashed. To resolve this, I have to download a massive file (159Megabytes), and owing to the excruciatingly slow bandwidth (thanks for the exhorbitant non-service Vodacom), I now have to get my market information manually.

A dangerous time to be entering the market - like when it's open

Based on another humerous report as well as other deadly serious market reports available throughout the web, I thought I’d give you the South African version.

  • Loudspeakers were off in quiet trading this morning.
  • Antidepressant manufacturers also hit a new low.
  • SA Breweries reported staggering returns last quarter.
  • Waltons, premier pencil importers, lost several points
  • Toyota had lots to write off in the recent crash
  • Xerox Paper division remains stationary
  • Wonderbra is enjoying a buoyant outlook, underpinned by double-figure earnings.
  • Huggies Nappies, however, have stayed unchanged for a while now.
  • Otis lifts rose during the previous quarter while their escalator division experienced a slow decline.
  • Anchor yeast shares rose sharply as a result of excess dough.
  • With imminent nationalisation, SA mining in general has hit rock bottom.
  • Shares of Heckler & Koch shot up as a result of the appointment of a high-calibre CEO.
  • Retailers of soap-box carts have lost momentum and economists warn of an uphill battle until financial year-end.
  • The outlook for energy saving light bulbs looked brighter this morning despite light trading, while switchgear was off completely.
  • Victorinox was down sharply in dull trading
  • Outdoor Warehouse, hiking equipment is trailing, while Kola paddle-skis remain on an even keel.
  • Bushnell  night-sites are focussing on a brighter second quarter and
  • The Hare Krishnas are experiencing lower than expected prophets.
  • Seedless grapes lost 4 pips in foreign markets, while modified watermelons gained hundreds.
  • Hot Air Balloon safaris share prices are over-inflated
  • There is no change in the banks.
  • Mac Donald remains completely burgered.
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About Freud Fission Chips

Despite the banality of the name, FFC has led an intensely varied life. Grateful for surviving almost three years as a 'troepie' (soldier for non-South African Readers) in the Angolan war, he determined to wring as much out of life as possible. Currently providing Business Analysis services, trading on the stock market and developing web pages to pay the bills, FFC also dabbles in wildlife, landscape and people photography, writing, and far too many interests for his own good. He has also travelled extensively in southern Africa (working on the sound theory that a moving target is more dificult to hit). These peregrinations also include over 1500kms on foot through some of the worlds most spectacular scenery. It hasn't all been plain sailing, beer and skittles, and endless beds of roses... Chief amongst the prerequisites for surviving Africa, with its mind-bending characteristics, is an appropriate sense of humour.... So, for now, he will be recounting the amusing among the annoying, the frustrating wrapped in the funny and extracting the mirth from the melancholy... Oh yes, there might be some alliteration too.
This entry was posted in Humour - or humor, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

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