How to be a criminal in Malawi…

No blog is complete without a good dose of lavatorial humour. This one is no exception

We at the Institute can now reveal that we are directly responsible for this travesty of justice. The findings of our research were leaked (so to speak) to the Malawian Government, to witness; that the containment of gaseous build-up in an individual eventually travels up the spinal column, into the brain and that’s where crap ideas come from.

On a completely unrelated note….

We once more find ourselves in a highly charged courtroom… Why is it highly charged? Of course it’s highly charged; someone’s got to pay for this blog. Names have been changed to protect those with deflated egos and the sensitivities of the Malawian Government.

Clerk of the court: “ The following case will be heard during this session: Case number 195467, State of Malawi versus Major Cacophony OBE, MBE, Jägermeister and Bar; who is charged with maliciously fouling the air in a public place. The honourable judge Justice Songat Twilight presiding…….

[General hubbub as the accused is led in – settles down.]

Clerk of the Court: “All rise!”

State Prosecutor: “Do you think that’s wise in view of the case at hand?”

[Judge Songat, clearly of Indian origin, enters from chambers and takes his seat, followed by the rest of the courtroom.]

Judge: “Right, first case.” [Turns to State Prosecutor] “Are you familiar with the accused’s brief?

State Prosecutor: “It’s not his briefs we’re concerned about m’Lud.”

Judge: Of course. Now. [Addresses the accused] In terms of the new legislation, you have been charged with [refers to charge sheet]. Yes, a charge of arson.

State Prosecutor: “ No m’Lud. He is charged with breaking wind in public.

Judge: That’s what I said. He’s been charged with an arse sin.

State Prosecutor: “Of course m’Lud. An unfortunate typographical error. I apologise. It won’t happen again.

Judge: “See that it doesn’t, right? Now. About this charge. How does the accused plead?”

Major Cacophony: “Very well actually. Watch this. [Sinks to his knees and breaks down into hysterical sobbing and overacting]. “I’m innocent I tell you! I couldn’t help it. It was Heinz’s fault.”

Judge: “Cease that senseless babbling at once! This court will come to order!” [gavel]

[Accused rises and smoothes his uniform – attempts to regain his shattered dignity]

Judge: “What I mean is, how do you plead to the charge? Are you guilty or not guilty?”

Major Cacophony: “Not guilty Your Honour.”

Judge: “Right.” [Makes notes] “State Prosecutor, you may commence your cross examination.”

State Prosecutor: [Addresses the accused] “Is it correct that, as the conductor of the military orchestra, you were ordered to perform a selection of JS Bach’s works at an event on the evening of the 23rd?”

Major Cacophony: “That is correct.”

State Prosecutor: “Is it also correct that during the performance of the Brandenburg Concerto Number One, after Bach’s final movement, as it were, and before the rendition of ‘Air on a G String….”

[titters from the gallery]

Judge: “Order! Order! [gavel]

[Gallery fades to silence]

Judge: “Continue.”

State Prosecutor: “Thank you m’Lud….[pause]. Is it correct that, in the silence just prior to commencing the Air on a G String, you permitted the breakage of wind?”

Private Lessons [from the bench]: “A shattering, more like”

Judge: “Silence! Who is that?”

Clerk of the Court: “That is Private Lessons m’Lud. Band member and one of the witnesses.”

Judge: “Well keep him quiet.”

Clerk of the Court: “Yes Your Honour.” [glares at the witness]

Judge: [Addressing the accused] “Well, what have you to say for yourself.”

Major Cacophony: “It happened as he said, Your Honorary-ship. But you see, I was under a lot of pressure…”

Judge: “We can take that as read.”

Major Cacophony: “No m’Lud. Private Lessons had been feeding me baked beans from the snack table throughout the evening and – well it happened in a moment of weakness.”

Judge: “We can take that as read too.”

Major Cacophony: “No, I meant it was supposed to be my final performance before retiring. [getting frantic] At this time of life, I don’t want a dishonourable discharge sir!”

Clerk of the Court: [to State Prosecutor] “I think he already did that.”

Judge: “Right. I have the facts of the case before me. I will now hear from the eye witness.”

State Prosecutor: “The Court calls Private Lessons.”

[Pvt. Lessons approaches the stand and is seated.]

State Prosecutor: “For the record, are you Private Lessons; the eye witness?”

Private Lessons: “But first the nose witness.”

State Prosecutor: “How do you arrive at that conclusion?”

Private Lessons: “I was standing closest to him at the time of the crime (just a little rhyme to relieve the legal tedium – FFC). It hit the nose first of course. That is why I am the nose witness.”

State Prosecutor: “The why do I have you down here as an eye witness?”

Private Lessons: “Well, it was so bad, it made my eyes water.”

State Prosecutor: “That’s not very funny. However, do you admit do giving the accused one or more helpings of beans prior to his…er… performance?”

[State Prosecutor dons a skunk-skin hat]

Private Lessons: “Yes sir. That is true”

Judge: “Why are you putting on that ridiculous skunk skin hat an’ all?”

State Prosecutor: “It is my intention, m’Lud, to badger the witness.”

Judge: “This is preposterous! The accused will have a fair trial. I will hear counsel for the defence.”

Defence Attorney: “Defence calls the first witness. The representative of the Heinz company.”

[Witness approaches the stand]

Judge: “One moment. I wish to clarify your identity for the purposes of this courtroom drama….[pause for effect]… You’re not that character from the Heinz, Knietz and Boomps-a-daisy gag are you?”

Heinz Rep: “No, Your Honour. Mr Milligan et al would be mortally offended if their gags were found in lowly skits such as these.”

Judge: “Tread carefully sir, or you will find yourself on the wrong end of a charge of contempt. I’ll have you know the author of this blog spends hour upon lonely hour dreaming up plots for the amusement of idle readers… However, be that as it may. Continue.”

Defence Attorney: “You are, are you not, a duly authorised representative of the Heinz food company and an expert on the gastrocomical…er…gas-tronomical effects of baked beans?”

Heinz Rep: “Yes.”

Defence Attorney: “In your expert opinion, will the quantity of beans, as ingested by the accused, cause such an intolerable build-up of pressure that no human can contain it?”

Heinz Rep: “That is true.”

Defence Attorney: [Addresses Judge:] “The defence submits overwhelming proof, m’Lud, that the accused is in fact innocent, and that Heinz will in future be accessories to all such crimes. To paraphrase, Your Honour; Heinz Meanz Beanz, Meanz Fartz, Meanz Crimez.”

Judge: “Right. In the light of these circumstances you will be let off.”

Clerk of the Court: “I think he already did that Your Honour.”

Judge: “Don’t be a smart f…Alec. [Addresses Major Cacophony] I hereby find the accused innocent of all charges. You may go free without a stain in your…… without a stain on your character either.”

[Court house explodes in an uproar]

Judge: [Gavel x several] “Order! Order!”

Stenographer: [Flirty – amid noise] “Why thank you m’Lud. Make mine a double.”

Judge: “Order! I will air my views.”

Clerk of the Court: [stage-whispers to judge] “If you’ll pardon me m’Lud. You might find it’s a criminal offense.”


About Freud Fission Chips

Despite the banality of the name, FFC has led an intensely varied life. Grateful for surviving almost three years as a 'troepie' (soldier for non-South African Readers) in the Angolan war, he determined to wring as much out of life as possible. Currently providing Business Analysis services, trading on the stock market and developing web pages to pay the bills, FFC also dabbles in wildlife, landscape and people photography, writing, and far too many interests for his own good. He has also travelled extensively in southern Africa (working on the sound theory that a moving target is more dificult to hit). These peregrinations also include over 1500kms on foot through some of the worlds most spectacular scenery. It hasn't all been plain sailing, beer and skittles, and endless beds of roses... Chief amongst the prerequisites for surviving Africa, with its mind-bending characteristics, is an appropriate sense of humour.... So, for now, he will be recounting the amusing among the annoying, the frustrating wrapped in the funny and extracting the mirth from the melancholy... Oh yes, there might be some alliteration too.
This entry was posted in Humour - or humor, News Commentary, Parody, Satire and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to How to be a criminal in Malawi…

  1. sassy lass says:

    Stenographer making an appearance again! Love it

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