Malice Still Lives Here – A Courtroom Drama In The Best Tradition…

Opening Scene: Highly charged courtroom. Judge has just entered and taken his seat. We dispense with normal courtroom protocol as this lot is self-raising. [Fade in]

Defence: ‘The court will hear that mosquitoes are THE most baleful, malevolent, vindictive and just plain mean beasties on this planet.’

[Sharp intake of judicial breath by the jury and court officials]

Judge: [Gavel] ‘Silence!’

Defence: ‘I submit the following incident, m’lud, to substantiate my allegation.’

Judge: ‘Substantiate away.’

Defence: ‘On the eve of 8th September I was taking a lopsided constitutional around the property when mosquito or mosquitoes unknown to me swooped down out of the sun and with malice aforethought, proceeded to dine upon the contents of my foot.’

Judge: ‘Well?’

Defence: ‘Well what? Oh I see. Yes, well, whereas the perpetrators in question could have had any other part of the body in which to sink their proboscii, these bloody insects…’

Judge: ‘No. Sorry. I’m afraid you can’t say bloody in this courtroom. I shall issue you with a fine for profane language.’

Defence: ‘No, m’Lud. I merely referred to the contents of the creatures’ digestive passages.’

Judge: ‘Fine. Not profane. No fine. [To stenographer] Did you get all that?

Stenographer: ‘No. I’ve just been bitten by one of the accused.’

Judge: ‘Splendid. Carry on.’

Defence: ‘Well, instead of choosing any other person, or indeed any other healthy part of my body Your Honour-ship, they feasted upon the foot of my injured and disabled leg.’

Judge: ‘A heinous act and no mistake.’

Defence: ‘It gets heinouser m’Legalship. It is common cause, your Legalness, that I cannot touch my toes. Furthermore, with the added hindrance of the brace, it was nigh on impossible to scratch the bite areas. This caused great distress and suffering; and a need to wash my hairbrush sooner than scheduled.’

Judge: ‘So what? You had a lump.’

Defence: ‘Two lumps.’

Judge: ‘Two lumps.’

Defence: ‘And a limp.’

Judge: ‘Two lumps and a limp. Sounds like Heather Mills to me.’

[Gales of laughter from the bench]

Judge: ‘Order in court!!’

State Prosecutor: ‘Thank you for the offer m’Lud. In view of the case in hand, make mine a double.’

Judge: ‘Right. Court is adjourned for lunch. We will reconvene for sentencing after a quick bite or two… ah ha ha… The accused are remanded on bail of 2 units of O Pos – as the they patently present a flight risk.’

[legal sniggers all round]


About Freud Fission Chips

Despite the banality of the name, FFC has led an intensely varied life. Grateful for surviving almost three years as a 'troepie' (soldier for non-South African Readers) in the Angolan war, he determined to wring as much out of life as possible. Currently providing Business Analysis services, trading on the stock market and developing web pages to pay the bills, FFC also dabbles in wildlife, landscape and people photography, writing, and far too many interests for his own good. He has also travelled extensively in southern Africa (working on the sound theory that a moving target is more dificult to hit). These peregrinations also include over 1500kms on foot through some of the worlds most spectacular scenery. It hasn't all been plain sailing, beer and skittles, and endless beds of roses... Chief amongst the prerequisites for surviving Africa, with its mind-bending characteristics, is an appropriate sense of humour.... So, for now, he will be recounting the amusing among the annoying, the frustrating wrapped in the funny and extracting the mirth from the melancholy... Oh yes, there might be some alliteration too.
This entry was posted in Humour - or humor, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Malice Still Lives Here – A Courtroom Drama In The Best Tradition…

  1. The Lass, Sass says:

    Whilst wiping tears of mirth from my carefully Chanel mascara’ed eyes, I was left wondering two things.

    Firstly, is this something you have stumbled across (no reference to your wired leg {no reference to said legs narcotic consumption}) on the interweb or is this your own work? Either way, where can I get more?
    Secondly and somewhat more randomly, have you ever given any thought to the sneaky stenographer sitting in the corner? Think about Team Courtroom, few professions have a more dismal reputation than that of a lawyer (even prostitution has an **ahem** up side). You are more likely to find an honest judge than a sober one and don’t even get me started on the over-steroided under-testicled courtroom guards. Then there is the stenographer. No one ever mentions, or notices The Stenographer. The All Seeing One with the amazing phalangeal dexterity. What sort of person becomes a stenographer? A serial killer looking for tips and loopholes? I think that if the world was going to be conquered, it would be by The Stenographers. They have been involved, rather inconspicuously, in every single court room battle. They have been made aware of every trick in the book and learnt about the biggest legal getaways in history. They have heard where all the skeletons and money has been hidden and I doubt would have much trouble accessing those resources.
    Individually I don’t think these oft bespectacled ladies (do men do this sort of thing??) are much to worry about, but if they decide to band together and pool resources, I’m warning you, we are in deep poo.
    Now, if you’ll excuse me from my random rantings, I’m off to befriend my local stenographer. I wonder if they have a club…..

  2. ‘Ello Lass,

    You have a happy knack of being enormously encouraging and I appreciate your comments heaps. For this effort, I am afraid I can blame no one else; nor can I blame any chemicals. I am bound to take full responsibility for the entire drivel. However, now that I know you are similarly challenged in the cranial department, I will definitely attempt further scripts of this nature. I’m happy you enjoyed it.

    Stenographers. Now that you mention it (ok I’m mentioning it NOW – but you definitely drew my attention to it) – a fascinating subject indeed.

    There they sit, in their conservative hairdos, their grey A-line skirts and pink twin-sets; and on sentencing day, perhaps a string of imitation pearls (well, the women anyway), pecking away at a keyboard that has less keys than Julius has brain cells. For all we know, they might be writing raunchy romances while the legal fraternity thrust (oh, I do beg your pardon for the unfortunate selection of metaphor) and parry with each other in an attemp to to get Jacob off the hook.

    As each case draws to a close, the various players go about their lives. The lawyers partake in post-procedure back slapping, the jury are off to spend their bribes, the court cops pump iron and steroids and the judges go looking for their kidnapped kids… But The Stenographers…. We know nothing of their comings (sorry again) and goings in their twighlight world. A clandestine investigation ought to be initiated by the independant press.

    Thanks again Lass, for your commentary. Love it.

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