South African Traffic

Since 1994, after all is said and done – and much more has been said than done – I think it has been a brilliant idea to change the names of roads etc to the so-called ‘heroes’ of the new regime – because it will help us remember… who to blame when it all goes to rat poo.

But more pertinently, it makes for most agreeable listening when the traffic report is read out on the radio stations. I give you a currrent example:

  • Please avoid Julius Malema Road as it is covered with sewerage from a burst pipe. In other places where the sewerage has not yet reached, exercise extra caution as there are no white lines.
  • Thabo Mbeki Motorway – is closed due to it going nowhere.
  • Chris Hani Highway is now a dead end, as is the Steve Biko Boulevard.
  • Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe Street seems to be fine, and is unusually quiet at this time of day.
  • Patricia de Lille Place – is all but impassable due to a surfeit of speed bumps.
  • Terror Lekota Drive – Beware of hidden cracks and sink holes under a thin film of tar.
  • Jackie Selebi Street – is now a one-way, ending at Pollsmoor Prison.
  • Drivers are also requested to select an alternative route to ANCYL Avenue and COSATU Crescent – because an intersection was never planned.
  • Jacob Zuma Drive– Exercise extreme caution as this road is full of dangerous potholes, many of which are concealed under hot water from the nearby court house spillage. Signs on this road are also misleading.
  • Parliament Thoroughfare is suffering congestion with many unwary motorists ending up in the gutter.
  • Nelson Mandela Bridge is collapsing as a result of age and abnormal load.
  • Manto Tshabalala-Msimang Drive – is totally congested and is simply too slow.
  • Winnie Madikizela Mandela Crescent has developed a massive and dangerous sink hole; and many unsuspecting drivers are coming to grief. Use any other road, even if it takes you out of your way.
  • Robert McBride Alleyway is full of treacherous curves and slippery under current conditions.
  • Traffic lights are out on Eskom Thoroughfare.
  • Consitution Bridge is apparently still under construction.
  • Affirmative Action Freeway is now a toll road. Seems you’re going to pay for it after all.
  • Buthelezi Boulevard is also falling into holes and suffering the ravages of age. The confusing traffic lights and signs are causing multidirectional accidents.
  • Traffic volumes are increasing noticeably on Helen Zille Bypass. But it hasn’t been tarred yet and traffic lights are showing all colours simultaneously.

Stay tuned for further reports.


About Freud Fission Chips

Despite the banality of the name, FFC has led an intensely varied life. Grateful for surviving almost three years as a 'troepie' (soldier for non-South African Readers) in the Angolan war, he determined to wring as much out of life as possible. Currently providing Business Analysis services, trading on the stock market and developing web pages to pay the bills, FFC also dabbles in wildlife, landscape and people photography, writing, and far too many interests for his own good. He has also travelled extensively in southern Africa (working on the sound theory that a moving target is more dificult to hit). These peregrinations also include over 1500kms on foot through some of the worlds most spectacular scenery. It hasn't all been plain sailing, beer and skittles, and endless beds of roses... Chief amongst the prerequisites for surviving Africa, with its mind-bending characteristics, is an appropriate sense of humour.... So, for now, he will be recounting the amusing among the annoying, the frustrating wrapped in the funny and extracting the mirth from the melancholy... Oh yes, there might be some alliteration too.
This entry was posted in Humour - or humor, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

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